And good. Here is a new story...
Kevin Carroll flipped through the pages of his yearbook from freshman year with a very distinct purpose. He was searching for a very specific picture. Shaunna Freeport. She had been the object of all his lust and infatuation for the past three months. They recently became locker neighbors. Kevin altered his entire school schedule to match up with Shaunna’s as best as he could, so that he would go to his locker the same times as her. That way he would be able to get a glimpse of her. She usually wore jeans, tight t-shirts with old bands names on them, she had her auburn hair pulled back in a pony tail most of the time. Her braces had different color rubberband’s almost every day, and on days when Kevin was especially luck he would be able to get a whiff of her pina-colada perfume as she walked past him. She was a queen, a star, a goddess, and Kevin would give anything to be with her. Recently she and her boyfriend had broken up, which meant it was time for Kevin to make his move. He had turned 16 a few months ago and his dad had been promising to take him to get his license and today was the day. Once he had a license he would be able to take Shaunna out on a proper date. He was waiting for his dad to get ready to take him. In the mean time he stared at Shaunna’s picture in the yearbook and allowed his hands to slowly make their way south of the belt.
Lou Carroll turned the t.v. off and looked at his watch. If he got it over with and brought his son to the D.M.V. now he might make it back in time for the Saints game. He huffed as he pulled himself up off his comfortably broken in polyester chair. He slowly trudged towards Kevin’s room. All the experts say the same thing, he thought, allow your kids to be themselves and don’t stifle them. But I don’t understand the kid at all. He has pictures of half naked men-women on his walls, is Marilyn Manson a guy or girl? I cant tell. And the kid is actually so full of angst that I can smell it coming off him, which is an accomplishment because the kid only showers as much as the Cubs win games, which aint often. So to smell anything other then his b.o. is difficult, and what is with all the black? I don’t understand it, when I was his age, I was out playing football and going on dates.
Lou had run out of time to think, because he had run out of steps. He was standing outside Kevin’s room, about to open the door when he heard an all too familiar noise.
“Oh God.” He said quietly to himself.
He knocked on the door lightly.
“Hey Kevin, I’m ready, so whenever you are, I’m downstairs.” He yelled through the door, followed by a hasty retreat downstairs. Fifteen minutes later Kevin came bounding downstairs.
“Come on dad, lets go.” And with that they were on their way.
When they arrived to the D.M.V. they were immediately greeted by a line longer than the great wall of China. The line was controlled by this hideous, troll of a woman, who sat behind a very tall booth. She had large horn rimmed glasses, her little whisp of grey hair was fashioned to sit as high up as possible, and her bottom teeth protruded further out than a bulldogs.
“Next!” She yelled. And the line would move, like prisoners at Buchenwald stepping forward to receive their piece of maggoty bread, grateful and obedient to the evil sadistic ones doing it to them. Kevin and Lou eventually made their way up to her and when she yelled next spit danced through the air, doing a perfect backward double flip mid air and landing gracefully on their faces. If you looked closely you could see both of them wince.
“Hello, we’re here to get him a license.” Lou spoke up.
The large, unpleasant woman stamped a few papers and shoved them in Kevin’s face. She grabbed a little number from one of those red, deli section, ticket takers and handed it to them.
“Go wait over there until your number is called. Next!” She pointed over to a large waiting area with chairs all facing the counter with the workers behind it. The two of them shuffled over and plopped themselves down on two of the chairs. Off Broadway productions of the musical version of Schindler’s list have had better chairs then this. Where once there may have been cushioning there was now just sticky remnants. They were hard, creaked, and threatened to buckle underneath them at any moment. As they sat there in silence staring blankly into space the minutes ticked by. Every so often a small sweaty man would appear from behind the counter, walk up to the microphone and announce the next number.
He waddled out from behind the counter, mustache twitching. His sweat had made his glasses slide down his nose, he pushed them back up.
“Number 27, now serving number 27.”
Lou looked over at Kevin.
“What number are you?” he asked.
Kevin looked down at the ticket, “53.” He stated.
“Son of a bitch!” Lou yelled.
As they sat there Lou couldn’t stop wishing there was a t.v. in this hell hole. What were his fucking tax dollars paying for, the employees salaries? Ha, what did they need money for? Clearly none of them were going on dates, and nobody there was dipping into their wallets for cosmetic surgery. It looked like the only businesses that they pried their wallets open for were McDonalds and the Salvation army. The sweaty man shuffled up to the microphone again.
“Next! 26. Number 26. You’re next!”
“What the Hell? They’re going backwards! Who the fuck is running this joint?”
“The government.” Kevin whispered to his dad, hoping he would calm down before he attracted attention.
“The government, yeah lets trust them to do things. I would trust Michael Jackson to babysit for me before I would trust the government for anything.”
“Thanks dad.” Kevin turned away from his dad and pulled out his cell phone.
Lou slumped further down into his chair and started looking around him. He would be here all night, the employees were moving through customers at a DMV record breaking speed of one customer every twenty minutes, He tried to clear his mind and looked at the people sitting around him. He decided to pass the time by giving them all nicknames. Like Queen Elizabeth sitting up in the front row, an old woman with more wrinkles than a newborn bulldog puppy who had covered herself in jewelry. A glittering Christmas tree that wreaked of polident, bengay, and peppermint. Or free willy in the back row. It was a miracle that the folding chair hadn’t succumbed to his weight yet. He donned a t-shirt with mustard stains that said, “Ladies love a Jedi Knight.”
“Next!” the sweaty little man yelled.
“If he yells next one more time I am going to pop him!” Lou said.
He kept looking around and saw that one guy was staring over at him. Why was that jack ass staring at him? He didn’t understand how the DMV was always filled with the most hideous trolls and creepy psychos of all time. Do only ugly and crazy people drive? Why do you never see an Angelina Jolie at the DMV? Or you see people who have no right at all to be behind a wheel. Like grandma death sitting three seats away. She looked like she was about to croak just sitting there. Breathing was an exercise for her, forget about reflexes. He bet he could get up, go over to her, slap her, and sit back down before she even had time to realize anything happened. He couldn’t believe he had to give up his entire Saturday for this. He didn’t even want Kevin driving yet, its would just hike up his insurance rates. And of course he had to take Kevin because Leslie was busy with her new boyfriend.
“That slut.” He whispered.
“What?” Kevin asked.
“Nothing.”
He pictured them together, Todd porking his ex wife. Sliding his hands up and down her body. He used to touch that body. It was his, nobody can please that body like him. Why would Todd even try. He could just picture his tongue.
“Next!” The sweaty man yelled again.
Lou saw the same man sitting there, staring at him. He shot the guy a look, furrowing his brow at him. Trying to look as threatening as he could. The guy just gave himself a slight chuckle.
“The fuck is this guys problem.”
“What?” Kevin asked, looking up from his phone.
“Nothing, look at your phone.”
The guy shook his head at Lou. Maybe it was because he was bored, maybe it was because he was already pissed, maybe it was because he hated everyone there at the moment and couldn’t stand looking at them anymore. But to this day if you ask Lou, he is unable to track the following events.
He shot up out of his chair. Threw his hands in the air, a threatening gesture he had once seen a rapper do on t.v. and he started walking towards the guy staring at him.
“You got a problem buddy!” Lou yelled.
“Yeah, matter of fact I do.” The guy said, getting up from his chair.
As Lou got closer, his mind should have told him that this was a bad idea, the guy once he stood up and they were more side by side, he should have realized was almost a foot taller, and looked a lot more muscular than him. But Lou was running on pure adrenaline, a bull trying to hit that red sheet, there was no stopping now.
“Then why don’t you do something about it?” He yelled.
“Gladly.” The guy smiled.
The two men lunged at each other. Lou tried to put his hands around the mans neck, but realized instantly that his neck was too thick to fit his hands around. He managed to pull the mans head down a little though in his effort and as he did he could see his reflection clearly in the mans shiny bald head. The man scooped Lou up like a child. Lou wrapped his right leg around the mans neck. He wasn’t quite sure what he was doing, and now his brain had finally told him he would lose this fight, but if he caused any pain to the man at all then he would consider it a draw. And he could tell his friends at the bar later, “you should see the other guy.” He already started amending the fight in his mind to make him look like the winner. He would have to make sure he got his story straight if it would be convincing at all.
The man dropped Loud down on the folding chairs, a couple of them collapsed under the weight, the ones that didn’t hurt like hell as they dug into his side.
“Is that all you got Mary?” Lou said.
He grabbed one of the folding chairs as he stood up. As hard as he could he swung it into the side of the large man, partially smacking him in his enormous hippopotamus head. The man fell to one knee, but quickly shook the blow off. He got up once more lumbering towards Lou. There was only one way Lou could possibly make this end well for him, and it wasn’t pretty. In fact it would be cheating, but if he didn’t want to die today in the DMV surrounded by trolls and leprechauns he would have to kick the man in his family jewels. As he brought his foot back, and the man drew closer he heard a yell.
“Dad!” Shaunna yelled.
She was standing near the entrance to the washrooms. The large bald man looked over at her.
“Dad, what the hell is going on?” I leave you alone for five minutes and you’re fighting?”
“Honey, this doesn’t concern you! Leave it alone!” The man yelled.
Kevin tried to slump down into his chair as far as he could. He knew that from this moment on his life was officially over. Shaunna began to fume, her face got red, and her entire body began to tremble. She charged past Kevin, not even stopping to notice him. Her dad started after her. As they ran out of the building security walked up to Lou and escorted him out, with Kevin following behind at a distance. As they walked out into the blazing sun, Shaunna and her dad drove past the Lou and Kevin. Lou and Shaunna’s dad exchanged looks of pure hatred. Shaunna looked at Kevin, he shot her a crooked smile and she rolled her eyes at him. Officially his autopsy report would have to say, “Kevin Carroll, cause of death: Humiliation.”
